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How To Really Piss Off Other Drivers

I recently read a post on Facebook that read “Pleasing everybody is impossible but pissing everybody off is a piece of cake.”  Now, most of us try to be good drivers and to keep everybody else on the road happy – especially that white Holden with a few extra antennae and lights that you strongly suspect to be an unmarked cop car. Plenty has been written about good driving etiquette and how to be a nice courteous driver. But instead of inflicting yet another one of these on you, let’s work out how to really annoy other drivers.

When deciding on the best methods to induce road rage in others, remember the old safety first rule. You don’t want to drive on the wrong side of the road or play chicken with a B-train.  Randomly rear-ending people in traffic is also out – no point denting the emblem sitting proudly on the nose of your new Audi, after all. And remember to keep your door closed when some red-faced person with swinging fists comes up to your car.

Ten ways to lose friends and irritate your fellow road users:

  • Go round and round a roundabout several times, making everybody else give way to you.
  • Overtake someone right at the end of a double lane and cut in front of them as the traffic merges. Then pull over abruptly to the left onto the shoulder of the road to take a phone call that requires your hands.
  • Do all of the actions in Point 2 with minimal use of the indicators.
  • Wait until the very last minute before dipping your lights for an oncoming driver when driving at night.
  • Drive well below the speed limit (i.e. more than 10 km/h below the limit) and sit right out in the middle of the lane.  See how long a line you can get building up behind you.
  • Throw rubbish out the window where it will fly backwards and narrowly miss the driver behind you.  Bonus points if the rubbish is old chewing gum or a cigarette butt and it hits the person in question. Double points if the person behind you is a motorcyclist or a bike rider.
  • Slow down in front of other people if there is no passing lane and the road rules have turned into Gandalf on the Bridge of Khazad-dum (“You! Shall! Not! Pass!”).  Then speed up when passing is possible.
  • If you are held up in any way possible even for half a second, lean heavily on the horn.
  • If you’re the person behind, get as close as you possibly can to the car in front so you can overtake at the next possible opportunity. Even if you make the other car jam on the brakes when you’ve completed the manoeuvre because you didn’t quite have enough space to overtake the three cars in front of you.
  • Use the bike-only lane as a left-turning lane and get into it early. Cyclists are safe to irritate because they will go out of their way to avoid a collision.