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Corporate Knight Rider: BMW introduces virtual marketplace

Don’t you just hate it when you are watching a program on television or about to watch the latest hilarious clip on YouTube and then you are faced with one of the greatest menaces known to modern human life? ADVERTS. One of the few words that brings a horrifying shudder of recognition to any humble soul. Who doesn’t just love watching an emotionally charged thrill ride of a film, and just as the lead faces the greatest battle of his life, standing on the edge of his own mortality, you hear those famous words…


It is just the BEST isn’t it? Anyone would think that we are all living in a money crazed world where profits are everything. But I am getting distracted. My point is, adverts are pretty annoying, right? It would seem that you cannot escape them. Even some of the most famous tourist landmarks are characterised by advertising. Times Square. Piccadilly Circus in London. Sometimes it does feel nice to escape the corporate manipulation, I don’t always want the latest mouthwatering burger filled with the tastiest flavours covering the meat… Is anyone else hungry all of a sudden?

Sometimes the drivers seat of my very own cave of tranquility is the only escape there is from this modern menace. Well, if you have the radio off that is. The uninterrupted joy of driving is a sensation that rivals no other. Car manufacturers would never want to do anything to ruin that. That would just be idiotic. I mean, imagine if a company decided to change its manufacturing process and put advertising inside your car. What mindless, logicless, money-driven, cheese eating surrender monkeys would…

Oh hey BMW...

Oh hey BMW…

…I’m sorry what?

…so BMW have announced the introduction of the ‘virtual marketplace’ to their new models. If it was going to be anyone, it was probably going to be the Germans. The BMW is THE definition of golf playing, money driven, bluetooth wearing businessmen. So in many ways it is the perfect choice for a car that tries to sell you products as you drive along. Economically speaking it is a stroke of genius, considering how much time most of us spend behind the wheel. And with all the technology available inside cars these days, chances are you could purchase all these glorious products as you drive. Here is some advice on advance, maybe you shouldn’t go driving if you have had a bad day or are feeling depressed. In your drive home from work, you may have bought yourself a whole new wardrobe, and if there was traffic maybe even a whole new kitchen. It’s a real risk that we all have to recognise now. Thanks BMW, thank you so much.

With all this talk of intelligent cars, it is only a matter of time before BMW go completely insane and create this... not that I would be sad about this

With all this talk of intelligent cars, it is only a matter of time before BMW go completely insane and create this… not that I would be sad about this

Is there any logic to this seemingly insane move by BMW?

Well honestly, when you look into some of the details, it may not be as mind-bogglingly ridiculous as I first thought. Some of the proposed aspects of this virtual marketplace include some consumer useful location-based services. For example, the system will be able to locate free parking spaces, cheap fueling stations and even provide deals on coffee breaks along your route. This actually sounds quite attractive. The cooperation with the GPS system in the car actually makes a great deal of sense. If I could have a car that would automatically find me the most fun driving route home, I am not going to be one to complain.

Were you starting to be sold on this idea after all? Well hang on a minute, because I haven’t finished yet. Just as I was beginning to think that this virtual marketplace could be a step in the right direction, BMW deliver yet another near knockout blow. I think the BMW technology team are quite fans of ‘1984’. They are proposing that this new system will ‘predict’ the needs of the driver based upon the proposed route, weather conditions and time of day and produce a tailor made advert selection.

What a load of total rabbit remains. It is almost scary to think that a car might ‘know’ what you need. It is almost a dark, twisted version of Herbie or Knight Rider. Can you imagine being told by your car that based on the length of time you spent at your last coffee stop, your bladder is full and there is a toilet located a few miles up the road?


“Oh hey, I noticed that it is your wedding anniversary today and you have not got a present yet. There is a jewellery shop 10 miles from your current location. But based on your usual relationship attitude, I have also located for you the nearest service station that sells flowers”

If these cars could indeed predict the needs and wants of the driver, the consequences could be disastrous. We all know what many single men are like, and the kinds of things they like to enjoy when they are alone. Imagine if a man in his BMW suddenly had the latest adverts for the closest dirty chat line beamed to his system. Distraction may not even cover it.

BMW will be watching...

BMW will be watching…

BMW, did you really think this through?

However, based on everything I said there is one salvation. One escape from this world of commercial advertising. The OFF button. BMW have promised that this service will be optional and can be used at the drivers’ convenience. Good save, BMW. Good save.

What are your views on this? Would you like to have yourself tailored advertising on your drive?

Let’s see how this develops over time…

Keep Driving People!

Follow me on Twitter @lewisglynn69

Peace and Love!